Look past monetary gifts to value relationship

Carolyn Hax is on leave. This column originally ran on June 16, 2013.

Q. I have a bizarre dilemma that needs a light touch in handling. My wife, my children and I are very close to my grandparents. They are generous with monetary gifts (usually about $100).

The issue is that the amount given to me is usually double the amount given to my wife, who spends as much time with my grandparents as I do, if not more. I seriously doubt this is an intentional slight.

My guess is that they don’t think of the implications for my wife, who is in a small way somewhat hurt by the move. It’s just a sense-of-worth thing that unfortunately is manifested in a monetary gift. Is there an easy way to handle this without hurting someone’s feelings or coming off as ungrateful?

A. “Light touch”? How ‘bout no touch. Wow. Sure, a stroke of the pen could indeed bring equality to Giftland, but that route is hardly “easy.”

For one, there’s nothing simple about hurting your grandparents with the suggestion that their gifts haven’t been warmly received, and/or insulting them with the implication that they haven’t been generous enough.

It’s also an illusion that Giftland is in any need of equality. Your grandparents have known you, presumably, since your infancy. Even if you don’t agree that this alone justifies a larger gift, surely you — or your wife — can appreciate that others would?

The genuinely easy solution is for your wife to realize she can’t expect her love or validation to come in the form she prefers. Or at all, though she’s apparently close to your grandparents.

I hope you’ll encourage her to see that having her children enjoy their great-grandparents is its own validation. It would take shortsightedness of epic proportions to sell this for a hundred bucks.

Q. So we’re moving out of state, have to leave our house a week before school ends, but Mom had said we could stay with her for that week. Now, she says she can’t handle it. So we’re scrambling to place the animals and pay for a hotel.

On the one hand, this is classic Mom, yanking help at the last minute to leave us hanging. On the other — even our nanny has offered us her place. So I can’t decide if I’m mad at my mom, or just grateful to have another Mom story to trot out at parties. And she hasn’t called since then. Should I call and let her off the hook?

A. One key word: “classic.”

One new mantra: I can’t lean on Mom. I can’t lean on Mom. I can’t lean on Mom. She apparently wants to be the person you lean on, and therefore makes the offer — but offering is easy. Following through requires resources that she apparently doesn’t have.

But some of the responsibility falls on you here, for taking part in the series of choices that, predictably, becomes another Mom story. That’s one of a few reasons you ought to call her. Then, work on the future: Say to Mom that while you appreciate her impulse to help out, you and she both need to get better at recognizing what will push her in over her head.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com or follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax.