It happens with almost every couple I work with in marriage counseling. One partner says something he or she instantly regrets. Sometimes I can even see it coming — I almost want to shout “Stop!” before the damage is done.

Often, even the offending parties know before they say anything that what is about to be put into words will make a huge mess in their marriage. But out it comes anyway, and there are consequences.

When we take the time to explore what led to such verbal vomiting, the cause usually has to do with emotions. “I just couldn’t help it,” they say. “I was so angry.” (Or “so hurt” or “so ashamed” or “so insulted” or whatever.) It was almost as if the emotional part of their brain short circuited everything they rationally knew about the meaning or consequences of their impending words.

Actually, this is a fairly good description of exactly what happens in our brains at these moments. What is going on either inside us or between us is so emotionally loaded that we seem overwhelmed with our feelings.

The shear strength of these emotions can result in their bypassing our thinking brain and just spewing out in our words or deeds.

To be honest, such emotional eruptions can even feel good for a short while. It is like we have relieved ourselves of some awful burden. In the process, of course, we have dumped it all over everybody else.

Oh, well, at least we feel better, right? Unfortunately, we almost always wind up feeling a whole lot worse when we realize the real cost of our temporary relief.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Believe it or not, we all have the ability to identify, think through, and express in a healthy manner — or not express at all — even the most overwhelming emotions.

Such emotional work can be tough. Sometimes it can even be scary. A good many of us (especially we guys) opt for just trying to ignore our emotions — especially the more unpleasant or dangerous ones. We can get so good at ignoring them that we don’t even know we are doing it.

In the long run, though, ignoring or denying our emotional selves is just as destructive as allowing our emotional selves to run our lives. Our emotions are a big part of what makes our lives and our relationships special. They are like the spices we use in a favorite recipe. We can’t live on spices, but they sure make eating a whole lot more enjoyable.

We can do a few things to do a better job of putting emotions in their rightful place in our lives and relationships. Learning these skills takes time and practice.

It can be a good idea to work with a counselor or take a class on dealing with feelings if this is something we want to master.

In the meantime, we must be aware of how much damage we can do if we let our feelings simply run rampant in our relationships. No matter how hurt, angry, offended or disappointed we may feel in a given moment, it is a good idea to hold our tongue (or bite our tongue if need be) for a moment or 10 and consider the potential consequences of our emotional outburst.

This doesn’t mean such feelings don’t eventually need to be shared. It means we need to make sure that sharing them is something done in the best interest of the relationship rather than just to relieve ourselves of our emotional discomfort.

I have seen too many marriages suffer irreparable damage because one partner or the other “just couldn’t stop it.” And, tragically, once started, there often is no stopping the damage it does.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of “Mix Don’t Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children.”