Q. My adult brother is in rehab for the second time in two years. My mother is understandably upset and wants to talk about it every day.

I have encouraged her to go to Al-Anon or talk to a counselor, but she keeps putting it off. I am tired of talking about it and it must be showing. Mom got upset with me yesterday because she doesn’t feel like I am being supportive and can’t talk as often as she would like. I work, have two elementary school-age children, and my husband’s parents are having some medical challenges ... so I don’t feel like I have any more time to give.

How do I explain this to my very needy mom without sounding so cold?

A. I suggest you to go to Al-Anon, talk to a counselor or read up on adult children of alcoholics, and here’s why.

Your mom is upset with you because, to her mind, you’re keeping her from talking “as often as she would like.” That is codependency: She sees it as your job to serve her need.

How much your mom wants to talk is her responsibility, and she’s making it yours, and so far you’re letting her: You’re listing reasons to justify not talking more when in fact you owe no one justification for your choices. “I don’t want to talk about this” is enough. A kinder version for Mom: “You’re right, Mom, I can’t/won’t talk as much as you’d like. That’s why I suggest therapy or Al-Anon. I’ll gladly help you get started.”

Then: no negotiating, no discussions beyond your limits, no guilt.

While it’s your brother who is in rehab, your family as a whole bears hallmarks of boundary problems and codependency — struggles commonly found alongside addiction. To better help your brother, mother and yourself, start by understanding the emotional dynamics with the help of a qualified guide.

Q. Is there a way to stop unsolicited advice from a particular friend? If I say, “I’m going shopping for [Brand A] bird seed,” she’ll say, “You should get Brand X, that’s what attracts the most cardinals.” I don’t want to have to keep defending my choices.

In my mind, I’m being criticized, and she’s saying her way is better, and my way is not good enough. I do try to tell myself she’s just eager to share what works for her, but it still bugs me. I wasn’t asking for her input, I was just sharing. Since it irritates me so much, what can I do or say?

A. Don’t bother with the mental calisthenics required to view her advice as an act of generosity. She is saying her way is better — or, more accurately, she’s satisfying her own need to feel useful and important. And you don’t have to defend your choices. Unsolicited advice can be annoying, well-meaning, accidentally useful, and many other things, but it is never an obligation.

You’re not even obligated to respond. You see such unasked-for advice as a comment about you, but it’s really about the adviser herself — which you’ll see as soon as you override the impulse to justify yourself to her.

Instead, respond to unwelcome suggestions with a bright, “Interesting, thanks!” — and with no intention of changing your ways.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.