Editor’s note: Ken Potts is taking some time off. In his absence, we are republishing a series of columns that first ran in 2003. This column is the seventh of 10 exploring the topic of healthy families.

Commitment. We all know what it is when we see it, even if we can’t easily define it. Commitment involves giving ourselves — our time, our energy, our resources. It has to do with honoring our obligations, with living out our priorities, with acting on our values.

Some level of commitment is a part of all our relationships. Strong commitment is essential to the health of our family relationships. Commitment, then, is fourth in our list of characteristics of families that work.

We might assume that we are just naturally committed to our spouse or children. I’m afraid that assumption does not always hold true.

Sadly, some of us are simply unable to commit ourselves to anyone. We have been so damaged by this world, received so little of the love and affirmation we needed, that we never developed the capacity to care. Our emotional growth has been stunted, often irreparably.

It is unusual for such people to marry, as their emotional poverty is soon evident to anyone who gets close to them. When they do marry, it is usually just a brief, and frequently tragic, interlude in a life of wandering from one shallow relationship to another.

Others of us do have the ability to commit ourselves to others but are forever fearful of fully making such a commitment. We have received enough love to develop the capacity to care but have been hurt too much to risk giving our all.

We commit halfway; we can give enough to enter into a marriage, and even achieve a certain degree of intimacy, but our fear constantly prompts us to withhold our full commitment. And when our spouse or children finally protest (usually in pain and anger) our ambivalence, it further reinforces our fear of completely committing.

More often, we do the best we can to express our commitment to our family, only to find they have failed to recognize our efforts. Our long hours on the job, ceaseless housework, errands run, and sacrifices made are our way of showing our commitment.

We react in hurt and frustration, then, when we find ourselves accused of not caring. We begin to question whether it makes any sense to try at all.

Commitment to family involves both the ability to feel and to communicate commitment. And they are equally important.

I suspect that in the final analysis, feeling commitment is as much a decision as it is an emotion. We decide to take the risk of committing ourselves to others. And though this decision is easier for those of us who have been a bit less battered by this world, it is still a risk for all of us.

When we do take this risk, it is crucial we communicate our commitment in ways that speak to the people we are committed to. As I’ve suggested, our ways of saying “I am committed” may not be the way others hear “I am committed.”

Commitment may not necessarily mean working extra hours to bring home a little extra money, or doing extra housework. It might mean taking that time and simply spending it with our spouse and children. We need to check out with each other, then, how we each show our commitment, and how we each experience each other’s commitment.

Take a long, hard look at your commitment to your family. Have you decided to risk committing your whole self? Do your actions reflect this priority? Families that work are committed.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of “Mix Don’t Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children.”